Corey's Memorial Service - Tuesday, August 10, 2010

     I'm excited to share that I have the video of Corey's Memorial Service uploaded to youtube! I was hoping this would be possible for those who weren't able to make it and were interested in viewing it. I am so thankful to have this video. That day was a bit of a blur for me and watching it later allowed me to notice things I didn't the first time around. Corey's service was a lengthy 90 minutes and in order to put it on youtube it had to be broken up into 11 segments. Thanks for doing this Tris!
You can follow this link to pull all of them up:   http://www.youtube.com/user/corjilly

Here's the first segment to get you started.
Don't forget: If you choose to view this here, be sure to scroll down and push pause on the music player otherwise you'll be hearing both the video and songs at the same time. 

     I've mentioned before that planning this event felt much like planning my wedding (except for sorrow instead of excitement) with the added challenge of having only a few days to get it all done...there were SO many details! In addition to creating a service that would honor Corey's memory and life, I wanted it to bring glory to God. I wanted it to be an experience for people that brought them comfort and peace following the tragedy of Corey's death.  I wanted people to leave having heard the message that God is good and worthy of our praise no matter what the circumstances. Singing praises to God was a big part of our time.

     As I said, there were so many details and decisions to make; what songs to sing, what verses to have read, who would give a eulogy, and so on and so forth. God gave me confidence in making these decisions as I leaned on Him. I just kept hearing myself say, God will tell me what I'm supposed to choose (for all the decisions).

     I'd like to share some of the amazing ways God spoke to me as he helped me put together a Memorial service for Corey that would be a moving tribute to his life.
     I'll share just one for right now and more in future posts. At the beginning of the service we had a slide show playing of pictures of Corey and the girls and I. My friend Stacy had put it together and she needed to know what songs I wanted playing as the background music. I found one song by looking through Corey's drumming notebook from when he played drums during worship at the Journey Church. I picked a song that I remembered Corey really enjoyed playing. I felt "stuck" trying to come up with another song (the length of the slide show required 2 songs). I knew God would give it to me. I went to lie down for a rest the Saturday afternoon following Corey's death. In the midst of all the planning (and hardly any sleep) I was exhausted. Once again, I couldn't sleep...too many details flying around in my head...it was a whirlwind. Stacy was out in my living room while I rested. I had given her Corey's MP3 player to try to see if she could find a song that he might have liked that would work with the slide show. As I was lying in bed she was listening to his tunes (I had no idea). Like I said, I couldn't sleep. All of a sudden it came to me...U2...a U2 song would be perfect. Corey and I had gone to see them in concert less than a year earlier. We used to listen to their music all the time together back when we were teenagers dating in high school. I thought for another minute and their song "All I want is You" came to mind. I was so excited that I had my answer that I wanted to tell Stacy right away. Plus, she needed to know sooner than later so she could finish putting it all together. I went out into the living room where she was standing and said, "I've got the song..." and we both in unison said "U2". She at that same moment was listening to one of U2s songs on Corey's MP3 player. I proceeded to tell her the specific song I was thinking of by the band. I'm not sure about Stacy but I got goosebumps in that moment. I know you naysayers are thinking that was just a "coincidence," right? Well, over the course of the few days following Corey's death, there were too many similar situations such as that one (from which funeral home to use to where to lay Corey to rest) to simply chalk them all up as mere "coincidences." God continued to lead me as I moved ahead with all the rest of the decisions, and I was grateful yet again for his faithfulness.
     More to come...stay tuned :)

Clinging to God...clinging to hope-Part 1

     I had the unique opportunity to be a part of a discussion panel at a MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers) meeting last Wednesday. The topic was depression, and myself and 2 good friends were asked to share our own personal experience with the illness. I shared briefly about my own struggle with depression since college and what that has looked like for me. As I was the only person on the panel who has had a spouse with depression, I went on to spend the majority of my time sharing about Corey's battle with the illness and what brought him to his place of desperation. 

     I had talked with a friend a couple of days before the meeting because I was struggling with knowing what to share, how much to share and how to leave people with hope after hearing about how Corey had lost site of hope for his own life. I didn't want anyone to hear our story, and, God forbid, be in a similar place of desperation and think that suicide was the solution for Corey and therefore might be the solution for them. Corey is free from all suffering now and, better yet, in Heaven. That sounds like a pretty good solution, but how could I express that it certainly wasn't the right one. Below, is a letter I wrote to Corey. I am sharing it so that people will see the ramifications in the aftermath of a suicide. If you are ever in the position of helping someone who is suicidal to see another way out, or if, God forbid, you yourself are ever considering suicide, it is my hope that these words will stay with you. Your loved ones' lives will not be better without you! I really think Corey had convinced himself that the girls and I would be better off without him. It certainly was not the truth.

     I will tell you that it was an emotional but healing process preparing this material. I did a lot of crying. That said, some of this might be hard to read. I also want to stress that I did not write this letter out of anger or bitterness towards Corey, but out of my love for him. 

Corey,

     I wish that in the hours and days before your death you could have seen into the future to know fully the gravity of your decision and what the reality of your death would look like in our lives. 

     I wish you could have seen that life without you would not be better. Yes, your depression brought many challenges into our lives but the girls and I are facing many challenges now in the aftermath of your death…they’re just different ones.

     I wish you could have known the grief your daughters would have to come to terms with. I wish you could have known the dread I would feel in having to share the news with them that you had died and then see our oldest daughter sob uncontrollably in response. I wish you could have seen all the tears they would shed over your decision to leave us. No more Daddy to play horsey with on the carpet. No more Daddy to cover them with kisses at bedtime.  

     I wish you could have known how lonely my days and nights as a single parent would get. How much I would miss having my partner and confidant. A widow and single mom at age 34 was never what I dreamed about as a young girl, and it was never what I wanted for our daughters. Life in this fallen world can be so cruel.  

     I wish you could have known how many others in your life would miss you too. Your parents and brother, your extended family, your friends and co-workers. They miss your smile, your humor, and your kindness and compassion toward them, amongst many other things.

     I wish you could have known just how many people it would take to help the girls and I recover from losing you. Three therapists, 5 pastors, the prayer support of more than a few church communities, and too many friends to count. All these individuals combined cannot replace the value of you in our lives. I wish you could have realized that this side of heaven we will never fully heal from losing you.

      I wish you could have seen that your life had value – to God and to your family. That even in your darkest places and deepest valleys you mattered to us.

      I am thankful I had the chance to tell you minutes before you died that the girls and I would be devastated without you. That was the truth. I only wish you could have seen the impact that losing you would have on us and just how important you were in our lives. Maybe this reality would have helped you choose a different path; however, I know that in your illness your thoughts were not your own. I have no anger towards you, just sadness that you weren’t able to grab hold of the truth.  

     I pray that your story, that our story, will bring life to others; that through our tragedy and loss, others will hear a message of hope and know that God’s love is deeper than any valley they might find themselves in.  

-------

 Suicide has been described as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I know Corey’s life had great value both to God and to all of those who loved him.  His decision to end his life was not the right solution.  Corey may have lost sight of hope but that does not mean that there was no hope to be found.  We will never know how God might have otherwise lifted Corey from his valley. I’m certain that Corey’s decision broke not only our hearts but God’s heart as well. 

     I closed with an exert from the book A Path Through Suffering, by Elisabeth Elliot: 

He [God] wants to transform every human suffering into something glorious. He can redeem it. He can bring life out of death. Every event of our lives provides opportunity to learn the deepest lesson anyone can learn on earth, "My present life is not that of the old 'I,' but the living Christ within me" (Galatians 2:20, JBP). When our souls lie barren in a winter which seems hopeless and endless, God has not abandoned us. His work goes on. He asks our acceptance of the painful process and our trust that He will indeed give resurrection life. 

           "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" ~ Jesus, John 10:10

Clinging to God...clinging to hope-Part 2

     As part of the MOPS panel discussion on depression, all of us who shared put together a handout with information on the topic. Below are suggestions I shared on how to help a loved one who is struggling with this illness. I'm certainly no 'expert' on this subject. I was not a perfect wife, that's for sure. All I could do was my best and ask God for lots of help. Some of these suggestions are, therefore, things that in hindsight I wish I had done (or done more of). Above all, I've learned that I couldn't save Corey; only God could have done that.

Suggestions for helping a loved one who is struggling with depression:

·         Recognize that it is not your responsibility to fix the person

·         Pray for your loved one and get prayer support from others for you and your loved one. It is important to be cautious with the who (who to tell as well as how many people to share with) and how much to share about the situation. You don’t want your loved one losing their trust in your relationship.

·         Be persistent in letting the depressed individual know you care about how they are doing. Give them opportunities to share not just their struggles but whatever is important to them and be available to listen without judging their thoughts and feelings. It can be extremely hard for the depressed to open up.

·         Encourage activity/exercise but don’t heap guilt on the person if they are non-participatory.

·         Offer ideas while being careful not to “parent” the individual (particularly if the depressed is your husband). Don’t mother him. Help him keep his dignity as he tries to find solutions for himself (with your help of course).  Remember, what works for one person might not be effective for someone else. 

·         Be your husband’s help meet particularly by being his biggest supporter (this doesn’t mean enabling bad behavior).

·         Encourage the depressed that it is okay to share their struggles with others they feel they can trust. This can give others the opportunity to help in ways you might not be able to.

·         Get support for yourself. Sharing daily life with someone who is suffering from depression can be very challenging. Getting support early on can help prevent the situation from worsening. 

A song

I had wanted to share the following song with my last post titled, Many thanks...But, the song isn't available on playlist.com   Here it is through youtube:

Many thanks!

      I am so happy spring is on its way. Along with the somewhat warmer temps comes the melting. I needed help getting my sump pump up and running last weekend. I mentioned to my friend Kathy over the phone  last Sunday evening that I wasn't sure what I was going to do to remedy the situation and we were in the midst of getting heavy rains. I was worried. An hour later she showed up at my house (as is usual for Sunday evenings) but she wasn't alone.  She had brought a friend from church who was ready to lend a hand to get my pump working. With a few adjustments he was able to get it functioning within 15 minutes! I was SO relieved and knew I would be able to sleep well that night not having to fear the torrents of rain coming in the basement while I slept. Thank you Lee!! This was yet another one of those situations where I tried to figure things out myself but the las few pieces of the puzzle just weren't fitting together right.  In talking with Lee about the pump's setup we were able to determine that there was an unnecessary part attached (2 check valves instead of just one, in case you're really interested ;)) and without the extra part, everything fit together perfectly. And then, since I had someone handy in the house, I asked Lee to take a look at my dryer vent. The dryer hose was continually coming off the back of the machine so the hot air was blowing into the insulation on the wall.  I had tried to tighten the screw to the clamp that was around the opening but it just kept coming off. He explained that because of the temperature changes to the metal connector piece, the resulting expansion and contracting was causing it to keep coming off. It made perfect sense. I hadn't thought of that! I know, I sound a little too excited about these projects, right? Generators, sump pumps, dryer vents...what next? I can feel myself getting smarter...I must be growing new brain cells through this process!  :)

     Then I got a call last week from Doug who works with the youth group at church. He told me they were going to be doing some service projects on Friday and wanted to know if I needed help with anything. It took me a bit to figure out what I could have a group of teens work on. Taking help means being organized in order to coordinate a number of people and that takes time and planning.  I managed to put together a list thinking that I might not have enough to keep them busy for the 4 hours. Boy was I wrong!  The night went awesomely well. There were 5 teens and 2 adults (Ron and Mitch- you guys are handy!). All in all they got a ton done and far exceeded my expectations! They got one of my cars vacuumed out and wiped down since I was going to be trading it at the dealer's the next day. I have this awful habit of saving boxes from things we buy and things we've had shipped to us. My box hoarding was out of control until they stepped in and broke down probably at least 30 boxes. They almost filled the back of a pickup truck with these. I had them take some electronics away as well...a TV, broken air conditioner and various computer pieces. This purging felt SO good! Then, in preparation for construction to finish the upstairs, I had them work on moving a bunch of items that were up on the second floor (it's like attic space currently) down to the basement.  They probably moved 2/3rds of what was up there down 2 flights of stairs. One of the teens cleaned and organized Corey's work bench which was pretty out of order (mostly from me not putting things away since he died). Let's see...am I forgetting anything? Mitch had brought his tool belt with him and must have been itching to do some hammering because he got busy fixing one of the doors in the basement that wouldn't close right. They found things to do that weren't even on my list! Great job guys! You're welcome back any time ;))
     I also have been meaning to put a thank you out there to an anonymous someone who paid for 3 weeks of babysitting for me. I have a fabulous sitter, Hannah, who comes over every Thursday evening for a few hours so I can have a break and get out of the house and not have to do bedtime. I look forward to this time each week and so was pleasantly surprised when Hannah told me that someone had already paid her for the next few weeks! That was a cool blessing!
     I certainly have no shortage of things to be thankful for. I can't say enough good things about my church family. They are absolutely amazing. I have never known a church to have such a heart for people in need, and their compassion extends out into the community on such a consistent basis. I don't think there has been a time when I have said hello in a quick exchange with Pastor Bernie and he hasn't asked me how everything is going and is there anything I need? I feel very loved and am so appreciative! The funeral director for Corey's service and burial made the comment that he works with a lot of churches in the area and has been very impressed with all that goes on at Grace. He likened the people at Grace to ants working away busily. I have been blessed to be a recipient of this church's love in action!

More Texas pics!

Here are some more pictures of our visit to the Dallas Aquarium and Zoo. Enjoy!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

I wanted to share some pics of our fun times in Texas last week. Two of our exciting adventures included the Dallas Children's Aquarium and the Dallas Zoo.

     On Monday (2/21) Richard and Cindy took the girls to a Children's Aquarium in downtown Dallas. I was feeling under the weather and spent much of the day recovering from our travel the day prior. Upon their return the girls shared stories of getting to pet sting rays and handling crabs. Apparently on command from a trainer the sting rays raised their flippers and splashed the crowd! Richard tried to feed one. Because their mouths are on the underside of their bodies they cannot see what they are eating. Apparently their mouth is like a vacuum and along with the sting ray food Richard's finger was pulled up into its mouth. Despite feeling the sting ray's teeth, he did manage to come home with all 10 fingers intact :)
     On Tuesday (2/22) we all went to the Dallas Zoo. Corey and I had actually visited this zoo years back before we had the girls. Much of it seemed the same except for a new "Giants of the Savanna" exhibit. Abi and Ali were really excited about taking the train/subway to get there. Out of all the animals I think the highlight was seeing the giraffes. The exhibit allowed you to get at just about eye level with the lanky animals, as their grazing area was about 12 feet below the viewing area. We were able to feed them some grass, and I was even able to pet one of them on the nose. Man do they have long tongues!

The zoo also had many pewter statues of different animals that the girls had fun climbing on. They made for some great photo ops.

More pics to come...I'm working on uploading some now to my Picasa web albums...it's taking a little while...

Howdy y'all !!

     The girls and I returned from our 6-day trip to Texas yesterday. We had a great trip. The actual travel was a bit challenging at times, to say the least ;) Lots of luggage and car seats to lug by myself, 2 kids to keep track of in a busy airport, flight delays and some turbulence, but we made it there and back safely and it was worth the effort. 

     Before I get too far into this post I just want to express a special thank you to Richard's cousin Pat who gifted us her air miles so we could get our plane tickets at no charge. This was a huge blessing and our trip would likely not have happened if it had not been for her generous offer of the miles which initiated our travel plans.  

     The girls and I hadn't seen Corey's parents since last August when they made the trip up here the morning after learning of Corey's passing. I wasn't sure how hard it would be for me emotionally to be in Texas without Corey. Every trip I've taken there up until this one has been with him. Corey was born in Texas and spent about half of his childhood living in Wylie, Texas up until the seventh grade. It was at that time that his parents moved the family to Shelburne, Vermont where Corey lived until he came here to NH in 1997. The first time I visited Texas was during my junior year in college. Corey and I were not engaged yet but were dating. We spent Christmas 1996 in Garland (a suburb of Dallas) with Corey's family and then flew down to Austin to see some family of my own who I had never visited including an aunt, uncle and numerous cousins. My uncle owns a ranch in the country (real Texas country - their town doesn't have a zip code). It was a real Texas experience complete with horseback riding and a cowboy hat. If I'm counting correctly we made 3 more trips over the years, making the last 2 trips down there to attend funerals for Corey's grandfather and then grandmother. This would have been our fifth trip together but sadly I was making it without Corey.

     I have lots to share. I think it will work best if I share the highlights in several separate posts. Some parts might be a little sad but for most of them you won't need Kleenex nearby ;) The girls and I really had some good Texas fun!

Here's an overview of our trip's highlights:

- Getting to sit outside in the sun without a winter coat on! The weather was wonderful. I'm not sure it was stellar weather for Texas but it was SO wonderful just to be out of the snow and cold. The temperatures hovered around the high 60s with a couple of days seeing low 70s. The girls loved getting to play outside!

- A number of relatives came over to have lunch with us on our first day in town. It was wonderful to catch up with them all! Mema (Grandma) Gladys stayed with us at Richard and Cindy's for a couple of nights. She is an amazing and dear 92 year old woman! She lost her husband after 60+ years of marriage just about 3 years back and is all too familiar with the grief of widowhood. We also got to visit with Aunt Lin, Uncle Dan and Cousins Matt and Kelly and kids. Am I forgetting anybody??

- Abi and Ali visited the Children's aquarium in downtown Dallas with Grandma and Grandpa. They got to pet sting rays!

- We ate real Tex-Mex on a couple of occassions! Yummy :)

- We visited the Dallas Zoo on one of the warmer, sunnier days. We fed and pet giraffes...cool! I've got some great pics of this to share.  Stay tuned...

- Shopping!!! Jill spent about 8 hours out and about by herself...lotsa shopping with some Mexican food in the middle.

- Abi and Ali went to the movies to see the kids movie Gnomeo and Juliet. They ate popcorn and drank lemonade. 

- I got to meet and have lunch with my boss who lives in the Dallas area. I've worked for Anissa for 3+ years now and had never met her face to face so this was really a cool opportunity and she is a wonderful lady! What made it even better? We ate Mexican for lunch ;)

There's more to share but for now I'm off to bed. It's approaching midnight...church tomorrow morning. G'night!

Someday my princes will come...

Last Sunday we visited Firewheel Church in Garland, Texas...great worship, in fact, I found myself holding back tears during one of the songs. I was unsuccessful. The lyrics really touched my heart. It's called Come Thou Fount, Come Thou King. I've added it to my playlist. It is from the old hymn Come Thou Fount but the lyrics have been changed some. I couldn't help but think of Corey as we sang the second verse...how he was lost in the utter darkness of his depression until God rescued him. Now his soul can sing a new song, his heart has found a home - his heavenly home. I closed my eyes as we sang and saw myself next to Corey worshiping together, singing that song. The chorus beckons Jesus to come, to hear his bride singing for him to come. I found a really cool ring while shopping at a Christian store while in Texas. It says, "Someday my prince will come." and has a cross on it. I was so excited when I found it (especially since it was only 3.99! I love a bargain :). I had never seen one with that phrase on it. It expresses perfectly my eager anticipation as I wait for my prince, Jesus, to come. I kinda wish it said princes, plural, since I know Corey will be there beside Jesus when I meet him face to face for the first time. It fills me such joy just thinking about that day. I can't wait!

Come Thou Fount, Come Thou King

VERSE 1

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

VERSE 2
I was lost in utter darkness 'til You came and rescued me
I was bound by all my sin when Your love came and set me free
Now my soul can sing a new song, now my heart has found a home
Now Your grace is always with me
And I'll never be alone

CHORUS
Come, Thou Fount, come, Thou King; Come, Thou precious Prince of Peace
Hear Your bride, to You we sing, come, Thou Fount of our blessing
Come, Thou Fount, come, Thou King; Come, Thou precious Prince of Peace
Hear Your bride, to You we sing, come, Thou Fount of our blessing

VERSE 3
O, to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

CHORUS
Come, Thou Fount, come, Thou King; Come, Thou precious Prince of Peace
Hear Your bride, to You we sing, come, Thou Fount of our blessing
Come, Thou Fount, come, Thou King; Come, Thou precious Prince of Peace
Hear Your bride, to You we sing, come, Thou Fount of our blessing

Nice, clever, and brave

(Just a quick note: I have started but not finished a few posts. This one was actually started on 2/15 and completed today, 2/26.)

Isaiah 40:11 ~ "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Abi and Ali - Feb. 23, 2011

     I often am asked how the girls are doing these days so I thought I'd share an update. They of course are still really missing their daddy. Corey's name comes up usually at least once a day. Yesterday the girls and I were driving somewhere after they had gotten home from school. Abigail told me, "I had to sit alone today on the bus, so I pretended Daddy was sitting with me." It is sad to hear her say things like this but encouraging to hear how she is handling her grief. I think both girls are handling this loss in as healthy a way as they could be.

     Another thing I have noticed is that while the girls are playing I will hear the topics of death and heaven come up fairly often. They will pretend that their little animal pets or Polly pockets have lost a daddy or mommy and that they went to heaven. It's as if they are creating their own play therapy sessions as their little minds process their loss. I am so thankful they have each other. What a gift that they each can share their grief with someone who is experiencing the same loss and associated emotions.
     I had an appointment with a grief counselor through an organization called Pete's Place this past week.  My main purpose for going was to gain some insight into the how and when of explaining the cause of Corey's death to the girls - his depression and completed suicide. I want to be prepared to answer them when the questions start to come as they get older. If Corey had died from a heart attack or an accident then I probably would have already shared those details with them. But how do you explain suicide to a child? There just doesn't seem to be any "right" way to tell a child that their daddy caused his own death. I just have to keep going back to the fact that this was an illness. I've heard suicide described as a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." I wish Corey could have seen the temporary nature of his depression. It obviously felt anything but.
     Several years back 2 psychologists in Sydney Australia completed the 'Children Bereaved by Suicide Project'. They talked with parents and children who had lost a loved one to suicide. Out of the project a booklet was written called Supporting Children after Suicide. One child they interviewed was not told until much later about his brother's suicide. The advice he offered to adults was, "come straight out and tell them...'cause I didn't really like it being told at different times. I'd rather just accept it the way it was." The booklet goes on to talk about how children can often pick up on something happening in their family that they don't know about and that keeping significant information like suicide from children can affect a child's developing trust.  I am trying to be as honest with the girls as I can while not giving them more information than they are ready for or are in need of. We are all wired to want to know and understand a person's death. I think Abi is already seeking to better understand the why behind Corey's death.  She asked her teacher, "Did my Daddy die from cancer?" since she's been hearing a lot about cancer lately. When her teacher responded with, "I'm not sure" (Her teacher did not know quite how to answer her.) Abi said, "I think my Daddy died from cancer." I later talked with Abi to make sure she knew Corey didn't die from cancer.
     Overall, there seem to be many opinions on the subject of how to talk to children about death and many cautions on what not to say. Most of these cautions I wouldn't have really thought of on my own. They all make sense to me after learning them but we adults don't often think about how a child understands things.  Some of these cautions include not telling your young child the deceased went to sleep (trying to explain death as being like sleeping) since your child might then fear going to sleep at night. You should also not tell your child the loved one was sick since they might then fear getting sick themselves with a cold or flu...Or they could end up being afraid that if their mom or dad gets mildly sick they might die too. If you mention the word sick experts say you need to be sure to explain that 'sick' doesn't mean a cold or stomach bug. Some people have recommended using the word illness or disease. So many things to consider in discerning what is best for your kids. I have been praying about all this and am trying to trust that God will be faithful in guiding me as to how much, when and what I share with the girls. This is something I would gladly welcome your prayers on! Thinking about it makes me feel so inadequate to handle all of this as Abi and Ali's mom. One thing I do know is that I don't want to keep Corey's death a deep dark secret from my kids. I don't want it to be something they have to be ashamed of or afraid to talk about. The problem I see is that so many people don't understand suicide, particularly the depression as the cause of the suicide. I'm worried that down the road Abi or Ali, once armed with the knowledge of Corey's death, will in a matter-of-fact way tell someone how he died and will get a not-so-helpful or judgmental response from some ill-informed individual who might not even be intending harm.
     For now, the girls continue to enjoy being kids as they try to work out the reality they live with each day that Daddy is gone and isn't coming back. One day last week I overheard them having a discussion that warmed my heart but brought tears to my eyes. I had woken up one morning before they did and was coming out of the bathroom. I could hear they were just waking up and so I peeked into their room and just eavesdropped.  Allison had just sat up in bed and said, "I miss Daddy. I wish Daddy could come back." Abigail responded back to her with understanding, "I know, me too. Daddy's in heaven now though." It was so sweet how Abi tried to console Allison. They continued to talk about Corey and I wish I had been awake enough to remember everything they said. Abigail talked with such a big sister tone in her voice as she counseled Ali. Abi started walking to the door and I could tell Allison had just noticed me peeking in. The last comment from Abi I was able to catch before she realized I was at the door was, "Daddy was nice, clever, and brave." It made my heart feel good to know that they are remembering and also continuing to learn what was so special about their Dad. Abigail and her daddy were close. I can't help but feel bad that Allison isn't going to have as many memories to hold on to. It brought me some comfort to know that Abigail, being the good big sis that she is, is already helping Allison remember who Corey was. Corey would be so proud.

Another wave on my ocean of grief

Before today turns to tomorrow I just want to wish all my dear friends and family a Happy Valentine's Day! I hope it was a sweet one for you all.

     Today, not surprisingly, was a tough day for me. People say that the sadness of grief comes in waves. Sometimes the water is calm but watch out because you never know when a swell of emotions might come upon you. This past week leading up to today was difficult and exhausting. There were several instances that just accentuated the reality of Corey's absence from my life and it made me miss him all the more. All in all the last several days contributed to today being just plain hard. 

     Corey and I never went over the top on Valentine's Day. It usually gave us a good reason to go out on a date which didn't happen all too often (since having kids). Cards, chocolates, flowers and such usually made an appearance. I was deliberate about focusing my attention this year on Abigail and Allison and that helped. I gave them their valentine goodies this morning before seeing them off to school. I had a counseling appointment shortly after which was good timing given the day and how emotional I was and have been the last few days. I decided kind of last minute that I would take a drive to the cemetery on my way home. It was plowed which was fabulous because I did not have my snow shoes with me :) I had driven the Kia which does horribly in the snow so I was a bit worried that I would get stuck driving in even though the road was plowed but thankfully I managed just fine. The decoration the girls and I had placed a week or so earlier had some snow over it so I cleaned things off, sat in the car for a bit and then headed home. Sometimes I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do when I go to visit the cemetery. I know some people talk to their dead loved ones. Talking to Corey just feels kind of weird to me. I guess I feel like talking with God is more productive. People have also told me that they can sense their loved ones with them at times. I really haven't experienced this. I think there are just too many questions in my head about whether Corey can see or hear me from heaven. And I'm just really not sure his spirit can be up there and down here too. I suppose those are questions I won't get an answer to until I'm there with him. So for now I just keep clinging to God and try to do what I can to keep my memories of Corey alive for the girls and I.  

     Tonight the memory of the first roses Corey bought me came to mind. I was 16 and in my junior year of high school (1993) and Corey was a senior. He was working at the Windjammer restaurant at the time. Apparently he wasn't going to get a chance to make it to the florist shop before they closed since he was working until later that evening. He told me later that he had sent a coworker out to buy a half dozen roses for me. He drove over to my house after he got out of work to deliver them. I guess by that hour of the night I probably figured that he hadn't thought to do anything for me. I think I had sent him a card or something. So when he showed up unexpected at my front door well into the evening I was thrilled! He was the first (and only) guy to ever bring me flowers ;) I had the perfect vase to put them in too...one he had made sometime that year in his ceramics/pottery class at school. I still have it. At his memorial service I had it placed next to his casket with a half dozen dark pink roses in it just like the ones he bought me on that Valentine's Day back in '93.  I actually took a picture of those flowers that he had gotten me. It's not posted here because I took it with a film camera (not digital) and I haven't had a chance tonight to locate it and scan it into my computer...It's a little hard to see the piece of pottery Corey made in the picture below but the roses stand out in vivid color.   

      This picture of Abigail was taken during the service. She had been sitting with me in the front row just to the left of Corey's casket. We were singing at the moment and she walked up to the casket and started playing with the 3 roses that were laid on the top (a red rose from me and 2 pink ones from the girls). Tris, the photographer, did a great job capturing the moment and played around with editing the colors to give it a cool effect.
     So to wrap up, the best parts of my day today included getting a pedicure with my friend Sarah and then making myself chocolate covered strawberries as a bedtime snack :)  And now I'm off to bed...I hope Corey meets me in my dreams tonight :)

PS - And since it's Valentine's day...I had to include a sappy love song ;)  Enjoy!
  

An unending love...even in death

     Romans 8:35,37-39 ~ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

     Six months ago today Corey departed this earth for his journey home to be with the Lord.  It's hard to believe the girls and I have been living daily life without him for that long. This is the longest I've been separated from him and it continues to be painful, to say the least. I've been thinking a lot lately about God's love for me and how unending it is. As part of our wedding ceremony we wanted special attention drawn to God's unending qualities. Before typing this I listened to parts of our service to try to locate what was spoken before we exchanged rings. My tears were flowing as I listened to Corey profess his love for me and I for him. Hearing us both repeat the "til death do us part" line was like having a knife twisted into my heart. I know...I kind of set myself up for that one!
Here is what the pastor read about the symbolism of our rings:
     "The circle has long been a symbol of God without beginning or end and with no point of weakness.  The circle is a reminder of the eternal quality of God and of unending strength. Thus these rings serve to remind us of the relationship Corey and Jill have with God as well as the relationship they have with one another.  The rings are symbols of covenant and should serve as reminders of our need to be faithful in all relationships."
     Thanks be to God that because of Christ's death on the cross on our behalf, my relationship with Corey is unending just like his wedding band that I now wear next to mine on my finger. (I'm still not sure how I'm ever going to stop wearing them.) Our earthly matrimony may have come to an end but in Christ we will always be in relationship. And once reunited we will love each other with the perfect love of Christ forever! What a gift from God.
     In exchanging our wedding rings our vows read -
"I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you, my covenant to be your husband/wife, and to be faithful to you and as a reminder of God's presence in your life."
     I had forgotten about that last part. We were intentional about the wording for our vows and made some changes to the traditional wording to incorporate our relationship with God. Shortly after I told Abigail her Daddy had died she asked me, "Who's going to be your husband now?" I told her that God would be. I hadn't even thought about how my wedding ring is representative of that also. I guess I do have a good reason to not ever take them off! :)
     In remembrance of the 6-month anniversary of Corey's passing the girls and I made a trip through deep snow to Corey's stone. Once again, the road leading to his grave had not been plowed. With all the snow we've been hit with this week I just don't think the town has been able to keep up with everything. I was prepared this time though and proceeded to unload our snow shoes from the car. (Grandma Janie had gotten the girls each a pair for Christmas). We hiked in and started digging the stone out. I was also prepared with a nice big shovel. The top of Corey's stone was at least a good 6 inches down. I dug out all around it and placed a heart wreath on top. There are 6 white roses in the middle to represent the 6 months we've been without him. The red rose and two pink roses are what we the girls and I placed on his casket at his Memorial service. I plan to leave the wreath on until after Valentine's Day passes.  Of course if the weather keeps on like it has been, it will long be covered by then. As I write this it is now thundering and lightening out! Crazy New England weather...I might have to rescind my comment about not ever wanting a condo in Florida ;)

I wasn't sure if taking the girls to the cemetery was the right thing. They weren't too excited about the idea when I brought it up this morning but that was mainly because they were comfortable in our warm house playing with their Littlest Pet Shops and watching cartoons.  I roped Abigail in easily enough by telling her she was going to get to help decorate Daddy's stone with lots of hearts and flowers. Allison is never an easy sell. Everything is on her own terms and in her own time. I told my mom today that she's like a cat ;) Guess that's why her nickname is Alicat! By the time we got to Milton Mills both girls were in a good frame of mind about our mission. While a little zany, Abi's decorating had the love of a child for her daddy written all over it!

     I knew I had made the right choice to bring the girls when Abi said, "This reminds me of Daddy." while she was sitting next to his stone. I asked her what it was that reminded her of him. She said his stone. I replied, "That's why we have this place, so we can come and remember Dad." I went on to remind her of all the things that daddy liked that were a part of this place - the trees, the open space, all the snow!!  I know Corey would have been proud of the 3 of us out there with our snow shoes on. He always loved being outdoors - so much more than I did, especially in the winter time!

 

11+ years and heading for an eternity together...

     Many of you know that Corey and I were married the day after Christmas.  December 26th, 1998. We would have celebrated 12 years this year.  I appreciate that so many of you were praying for me that day and the days surrounding Christmas and our anniversary. I've had people ask me about how the day went and I wanted to take some time to tell you about how I spent it this year. It's taken me a while to put my thoughts together...
     Typically we marked our anniversaries with a night or two away, without the kids of course.  For many of our anniversaries we were in Vermont for the Christmas holiday, so we would find someplace local for an overnight stay.  A couple of years we stayed at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast in Ashland, NH called The Glynnhouse Inn.  All the suites are decorated differently but most of them have fireplaces and a corner hot tub next to the bed! One year Corey and I watched a movie (they have a DVD library) on the flat screen TV while hot tubbing with the fire crackling (okay, no crackling...it was a gas fireplace)...it was perfect!  What made the place even better was that The Common Man restaurant is right down the road.  This was one of our favorite restaurants for special occasions.  For those of you who are Vermonters, The C-Man, as they call it, is very similar to Fire and Ice in Middlebury. Corey usually treated himself to the prime rib. Some thoughtful person anonymously had one of the Common Man mugs mailed to me from their company store (gift shop) recently. Thank you for this whoever you are :) It was a really nice surprise that brought back sweet memories.  The C-Man store is located across the street from the restaurant (only at the Ashland location).  Corey and I would browse through it either before or after our meal. They sell lots of neat things and I could never seem to get out of there without making a purchase.
     Well, I had no idea how I was going to spend the 26th this year without Corey until just a week or so before the date. I knew I wanted to do something special to mark the day but figured I would just end up doing whatever...that it would be much like any other day. I really did not want to just brush over our anniversary. I felt like it would only be right to celebrate what Corey and I had for those 11+ years. I wanted to honor his memory and have time to reflect on all the good times we had together. So, the thought entered my mind that perhaps I would try to find someplace I could go by myself (bookstore, coffee house, etc) to just have some quiet time to think. The 26th fell on a Sunday so I was guessing that there wouldn't be a lot of places open very late that evening. Then I started thinking that I'd really like to have an entire night away, by myself...no kids. I ended up making a reservation at a hotel right in Burlington where Corey and I had actually stayed for our very first anniversary. I thought, how fitting that I would spend my first anniversary without him at the same place we spent our first anniversary together. Some of you may be thinking I'm a little crazy. You need not worry.  As I've mentioned before, going to places we've been together and doing things we did brings me comfort and helps me move through my grief. I know not everyone grieves this way but it seems to be working for me :)
     As usual, I planned too much for too short a period of time. I wanted to take time to reminisce over the almost 2 decades that I knew Corey, ponder goals for the new year, have some quiet time to just sit before God, and get a bunch of new stuff published on my blog, oh, and also finish a scrapbook album summarizing our 11 years of marriage.  Talk about unrealistic expectations. :) I really tried to pack light and consolidate but if you had seen me coming through the hotel lobby with all my bags, you would have thought I was staying a week.  Very little of the above actually happened but that was okay.  I tried to just let myself relax and do whatever I felt led to do.  I went away for the night really expecting God to show up.  I spent a good amount of time at the start of the evening in prayer asking him to bless my time 'away' and to direct me in how the time should be spent. I was really praying that I would come away with some good reminders of Corey's love for me. I read some scripture and listened to some music. It didn't seem like I had any "revelations" from God that night.  By the next morning I was kind of a little disappointed. I really was hoping to have something "big" to share with you on my blog ;-)  However, when I look at the bigger picture...the week leading up to Christmas as a whole, I can see that God did show up, just not in the ways I was looking for or at the times I was expecting. Another lesson in the fact that God works on his own terms. This can be hard to accept sometimes, but I remind myself that I can be thankful He doesn't operate on my human timetable since I know his timing is far better than mine...it's perfect! I just wish it could feel perfect all the time but then I wouldn't need to trust Him. I also came away a little disappointed that I didn't have more written reminders of Corey's love to hold on to. I was much more of a writer than Corey was (hence the blog...go figure!) I had brought along with me what I managed to grab of letters and cards we had exchanged through our years of being together. Not surprisingly there were many more of my letters to him than vice versa. What was even more disappointing was that I knew there were letters/cards from him to me that weren't in the stack I managed to pack. I came away feeling a little sad about this and so I sat down to intentionally think and list memories that I had to hold onto that spoke of his love for me. Those memories while many, seem like so little to hold onto.
    I thought back to a few nights prior when I had been reading in a book on the grief process.  In the last chapter of the book the author shared a bit about his wife's death from cancer and how he dealt with his own grief in the aftermath.  He says, "You see, I believe I haven't seen the last-- or the best-- of Joan. One day I will finish my journey on earth as she did, and as I stand before God, there she will be too, only better than I ever remembered her-- radiating the glory and goodness of God who made and loves us all. Then, I believe, I'll understand completely for the first time what love really is. I'll see how our love for each other on earth is but a reflection of the real thing." Part of a verse kept coming to my mind that next day but I just couldn't recall the entire verse or the reference.  It was something about, "now I know in part, then will I fully know..."  After some searching (that night of our anniversary while at the hotel) I was able to figure out it was found in 1 Corinthians chapter 13- you know the one...all about love.  In my memory, I can still hear Corey's dad Richard reading these verses at our wedding ceremony. Verse 12 says, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." The counselor I saw for many weeks encouraged me when she told me, "Corey's love for you is perfect and complete now" (now that he is in heaven).  The love for me that he once knew in part is now fully known as he stands face to face with God and reflects God's love perfectly. One day I will know and experience fully Corey's perfect love for me and he will experience my perfect love for him.
      In my loneliness of missing Corey, I am trying to allow God and not other things to fill the gaping hole in my heart.  I am reading a book called, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn.  The book explores the topic of Heaven as described by God's word, the Bible. When I first got a hold of a copy of the book I jumped right to the section 3/4 of the way through that discusses relationships in heaven and what they will be like.  It addresses the question of whether or not there will be marriage in heaven.  Alcorn, using Bible verses for support, basically says, yes, there will be marriage in heaven. There will be one marriage between Christ and his bride (the church- the body of believers). Citing Ephesians 5:31-32, Alcorn says, "Paul (the apostle Paul who wrote the book of 1 Corinthians) links human marriage to the higher reality that it mirrors: "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh---but I am talking about Christ and the church." Again, what we now know of marriage is but a "poor reflection" of what we will one day know as Christ's bride.  In my loneliness God has been impressing on my heart that I need to continue (probably moreso now in the absence of an earthly husband) to fall deeper in love with Christ.  I want to know what it would be like to experience as much love toward Christ as the love I have experienced for Corey.  I understand there is a difference between the spiritual and the physical dynamics of a relationship as well as there being different parts of love- love, the feeling and love, the action...but I sure would like to experience more here on earth of this perfect union that believers in Jesus will one day experience in heaven.
     As the girls and I were driving to the cemetery the morning before we were to leave for Christmas in VT, a song came on the radio with lyrics that matched these thoughts I had been having. It's called More like falling in love by Jason Gray. The basic gist of the song is that being a Christian is about having a relationship with Jesus Christ...not having a religion. I know a lot of people are wired to be more "logical than emotional" so falling in love with Jesus might not hold much appeal...Corey was much more into the "logic" side of what it meant to believe in Jesus...studying the Bible, history and the facts that supported the Truth that he clung to. I certainly agree these things are vitally important and as a way to honor Corey I hope in future posts to share some 'facts' that Corey clung to as he put his faith in Christ. He was always eager to share these kinds of things with anyone willing to listen.
     I mentioned that I listened to some music as I sat in the hotel room on our anniversary. I put in a Hillsong song title at pandora.com. If you're not familiar with pandora, it is really cool. You can listen to tons of free music. Basically you type in a song title or author that you like and the website creates your very own personal 'station' of songs that are similar to the one you told it you liked. I can't remember exactly the name of the song I put in, but it was one of the songs Corey really like to play on the drums. I wrote down the titles to some of the songs that it played for me and have added some of them to my playlist here on the blog. It's been time for some new music on here for a while! Well, I couldn't help but notice a theme with many of the songs being about God's great love for me and what my response of love should be for Him. I had my own private worship time that night. : ) Enjoy the new tunes!

A condo in Florida...never!

Today was a tough day...This post is probably going to be a bit scattered...bear with me. I've been pretty emotional the last couple of days. It all started when I cleaned out Corey's clothes from our closet on Saturday. That was tough. Despite not ever wanting to have to do it, I felt like it was time...I am really trying to get a handle on our home (organizing and cleaning out clutter) and man he had a lot of clothes...they were taking up most of our closet. But not to worry, I won't be getting rid of them any time soon...that will likely take me another 5+ months.
     So back to today...I'm exhausted. It's almost 9:30 pm. I finally got my shower in for the day and I'm sitting in bed eating my dinner as I type this (one of my home delivered meals...thanks to my new best friend :)) see my last post if you're confused). The snow storm today brought repeated reminders that I am a widow and single mom. I was about to write that it brought repeated reminders that I am alone now, but with all the people blessing me with their help, it would be an insult to them and to God to say that. I sure have been missing Corey a lot though! It's a lot harder to have to depend on a number of people for things rather than just one person, your husband...
     No school today because of the storm. I drove to the cemetery this morning (in blizzard-like conditions) to try to take the decoration on Corey's gravestone in from the weather before the sleet that we were expecting hit later in the day. I got all the way there only to discover that the road leading to his grave had not been plowed. Big bummer. There wasn't enough room to pull off on the side of the road and hike in and I had the girls in the car and it wouldn't have been safe to leave them on the side of the road with the road conditions being what they were. So, we headed back toward home.
     I made my first big "guy" purchase last week...a generator to keep the house running in the event of a power outage. We had considered buying one last winter after some real doozy power outages, but winter came and went and we just never did it. Corey would have been so psyched to have been here when it got delivered yesterday.  A big 18-wheeler showed up on our road.  It couldn't come up our driveway of course. Hmmm, how was I going to get the 200+ pound box up to the house? I know how Corey would have handled the situation.  He would have driven his tractor down and put it right into the bucket loader, after which he would have raised the bucket up as high as it could go before driving it up to the house ;) That's how I would have liked it to go, but in his absence, the delivery guy and I put our heads together and came up with a plan. I drove the Subaru (station wagon) down, backed it up to the back of the truck and the driver lowered the gate lift so he was able to slide it directly into the back of my car. Back up the driveway I went. Now all I had to do was figure out how I was going to get it out of the Subaru and where it needed to go. Lately it has seemed like every time I get over one hurdle another obstacle lies in my way...obstacles that Corey normally would handle with ease. Boy do I miss how good he was at figuring things out and problem solving ways to handle sticky situations. Things that were no big deal for him feel like such foreign territory to me. I thought motherhood was supposed to make me more intelligent? Certainly not in the area of mechanics...what I could really use to do is grow some extra muscles ;)
      Next I had to figure out where the best place was to put the generator. Corey had actually already done most of the wiring for it with the help of our neighbor, Mark, who happens to be an electrician. Mark is such a good neighbor and friend (as is his wife Sue who is equally kindhearted). Corey really liked working with Mark on projects and they would often help each other out when one of them needed a hand with something. Mark reminds me of Corey in that he is just such a good and nice guy.  More about Mark in a minute...
     (Big sigh) I told you this was going to be scattered...My friend Sarah's husband Bob came over last night and unloaded the generator for me...check! Marked that off my list...Thanks Bob :) Now I needed to deal with getting the wheels on it and locking it up, per Mark's suggestion. Next up, purchase a good lock. I called Mark to get the proper lock specifications as I drove to Home Depot. What kind of lock would I need to get that someone couldn't cut through? Corey would know, but I sure as heck didn't. I would rather have been shopping for a new pair of shoes, but I found the right thing and headed home to look for Corey's heavy-grade chain that I knew I had seen hanging around somewhere.  I found it without much trouble...check! With the car headlights on I attempted to slide the lock through one of the chain links...it was a good sized chain with big links, but....not quite big enough for the lock to fit through by probably not even a millimeter! Now what?
     I called Mark today to ask him for recommendations on dealing with the lock/chain issue. He said he was willing to drill out the links a bit to accommodate the lock. He came over late this afternoon. By that time I had managed to get one of our cars stuck in the driveway in the deep snow. I added getting it unstuck to my to do list and Mark agreed to help me with that too. I told him (jokingly of course) that I was thinking about moving into a condo in Florida. Mark got the wheels on the generator for me. I was going to have to go out in the blizzard to get gasoline so we could get it started but he bailed me out again with some gas he had on hand. The wiring we thought was complete to the electric panel wasn't, so Mark, within minutes, finished connecting the loose wires and had it ready to go...did I mention how great it is having an electrician as a friend and neighbor?
    So, what's my point in sharing all my winter woes? and would I really want to move into a condo in Florida?  Sometimes for a fleeting minute I think it sounds nice. Then I think about all the amazing and supportive people God has surrounded me with here. I don't like the continual reminders that I am "weak" in so many areas. It is hard to have to take help from so many different people and sometimes it takes a lot of coordinating times, dates, and people to get things done. Nagging my husband was much easier...only kidding ;) I hate being an inconvenience to others which fortunately most of the time I think is only my perception (I really hope this is the case).
     As I was shoveling my steps off last night with Mark working in my basement at the electrical panel, I stood stewing at God..."I wish I didn't have to need so much help God!" and then God reminded me that if I could handle it all myself I wouldn't need Him. I know that ultimately my provision comes from God. Those around me offering their help are being his hands and feet again and again and I am humbled in the process.  As I type this now God has brought to my mind the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It's quite a "coincidence" that after my conversation with God last night on the steps that he would lead me this morning (I'm wrapping this post up the next day) to another passage in 2 Corinthians 1:9 - the apostle Paul is speaking to the church in Corinth about the hardships he had to endure during his time spent visiting the province of Asia. He says in verse 9, "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."  Mind you now, I was supposed to be doing my daily reading in the book of Ephesians today but in trying to flip there I landed on this particular page and the topical heading (in my devotional Bible) read, "Our Comforting God" which caught my attention. I could use a little comfort today was my thought. I started reading the editors introductory notes (for these passages in 2 Corinthians chapter 1) which read:  "God makes himself known in powerful comfort. We discover that one of the supreme greatnesses of Christianity is that it does not seek a supernatural escape from the difficulties of life. Instead it offers a supernatural use for them. Troubles become triumphs as God makes himself known in our weakness."
     I am so grateful to God and to my supportive friends and family who are turning my troubles into triumphs daily! That certainly doesn't mean it's all easy breezy. Like I said, I'm exhausted...but where would I be without all the help that I am receiving? I think I'd be so weighted down with life's troubles that I wouldn't have the physical or mental energy to do much of anything!  Thank you to those who pray for me and the girls!! Thank you to those who plow and shovel us out in snow storms. Thank you to my church family who has supported me in more tangible ways than I could list. Thank you to my girlfriends who come faithfully each week to give me a break from the bedtime routine and for keeping me on top of my laundry and housework. Thank you to my family who is willing to drive from VT to spend time with us here in NH. That wouldn't be possible if I lived in Florida ;) Most of all, thank you to my great God who's grace is enough!