Seasons of change - Fall is not easy...

        It has been a little difficult, to say the least, this year watching the seasons change. Abigail brought home a book from her school's library back in September. It was titled, Fall is Not Easy, written by Martey Kelley. I thought ya, that's appropriate for our lives right now.  It's actually a fun book however about a tree's challenge to change its colors.
        After you lose someone, life goes on...I recently told someone that I hate that because it takes me further away from my life with Corey. I just realized however that each day actually brings me closer to the new life I will share with him in Heaven for eternity! It's hard to get excited about that though because the waiting here on earth is not one bit easy. One of the aspects of Corey being in Heaven that I have actually really struggled with is the fact that I am not with him (obviously, I know). We were one and our union has been torn. A part of me has been ripped away, and it is so very painful. And I can't help but wonder who he is spending his time with up there (besides God and Jesus of course). Is there another "type" of marriage in heaven? I know it seems ridiculous but those are the thoughts going through my head. And yes, I am jealous. He was mine and I was his. (My lover is mine, and I am his. ~Song of Solomon 2:16) Of course, I know ultimately he is God's but you know what I mean. I had inscribed on the inside of his wedding band the reference from Song of Solomon chapter 8 verses 6-7 which reads, "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love and rivers cannot sweep it away." Ya, I definitely get the jealousy thing now, at a whole new level! My friend Stacy shared with me a quote that was written by a mother who lost her child. You may have heard it. "They say that time in Heaven is compared to the 'blink of an eye' for those here on earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me in a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies, so caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there." I honestly can't picture Corey running through a field of wildflowers and butterflies, but the idea of it gives me comfort.
        So if fall is this hard, I'm definitely not looking forward to winter!! I am dreading it in fact and already can't wait for spring to come. Marty Kelley has a book about that too titled "Winter Woes".  I'll have to have Abi ask her school librarian for that one.  I was down in the basement this evening trying to pull out winter coats, boots, hats, mittens and the like. I got emotional when I came across Corey's winter gear. People have told me that my grief will likely catch me off guard.  That it will often be the little things that bring me to tears, not so much the big events in life. I didn't expect to start crying over snow pants and mittens. I had some other off-season clothes for the girls to put away and came across a bin of my favorite baby clothes that I was holding on to, just in case we happened to have a third baby (we weren't planning on it, however, we hadn't really made that decision final yet).  I'll put those clothes with all the other stuff that I just can't let go of yet. For any of you who have spent any time with me in my house, I often remark about being tired of all the "clutter" we have and am really needing to clean things out.  We, like a lot of Americans, have way too much of everything...too many clothes, too many toys, and too much of everything else.  And for practical reasons, it would make a lot of sense to at least put Corey's things away.  I sure could use the extra closet space in our bedroom, but I just have not been able to bring myself to box up his clothes.  Some things take time I guess.
        Thanksgiving is next week.  The girls and I will be travelling to Vermont for the holidays this year.  I am hoping to drown out any sorrow with some retail therapy on black Friday.  I know, I don't need anymore stuff! I'll work on my Christmas shopping then :) I think the Christmas holiday will be more difficult for me than Thanksgiving, as our wedding anniversary is the day after Christmas.  I know, ouch!, that's going to be a doozy. I am trying to think and pray about how I'd like to spend the day. We would usually go away for a night or two leaving the kids with my mom. It was one of the very few times that we did get away overnight without the kids. As I mourn what I no longer have, I remind myself of how thankful I am to have even had the blessing of being married and having children with the man I love. I know in our society these days marriage is not the sacred union it once was and is undesired by many. But, I wouldn't trade my years of being Corey's wife for anything, even knowing the grief I now face.

Where to lay my Love

Well, I've already told you in a previous post how I decided on Corey's resting place.  I thought I would show you some pictures, particularly for those who live out of state. The monument company has yet to place his stone, but at my request they are planning on having it done before snowfall. Looking at the picture above, if there were a clock in the center of the picture...Corey's spot is roughly between the 4 and 6 o'clock positions - basically where that yellow dying mum is placed...don't worry, I've since removed it ;)  His stone will go about where the yellow mum is. There are 3 small evergreen trees in the distance behind the mum.  Beyond those is where the ball field once was.                                
                                                                                    

In the pictures above and below, you can see what remains of the ball field...basically, some posts from what used to be the backstop and a wooden bench off to the left and right of that.  

Below is another view of the grave site looking toward the main road.  

The older and more populated part of the cemetery is across the street.

  

The cemetery is not plowed in the winter time.  However, I was pleased to find out at the meeting I had with the board members of the cemetery that the gravel road leading to Corey's grave will be plowed, as the town of Milton uses the field behind for piling excess snow from winter snow removal.  

I plan to post some pictures of Corey's stone once it has been placed.  

My little mermaid and her pet peacock

Here are some pics of the girls in their costumes from Halloween.  Enjoy!