Our lives were forever changed the day we lost Corey. He was an amazing man who loved the Lord and his family with all that he was. The pain of losing him is like no other. Our only comfort comes from knowing we will see him again someday.

I have moved the slideshow played at Corey's service to it's own post page above, titled "Corey's Memorial Service - August 10, 2010"

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Living life while waiting for someday

      Eight months today...It's funny I just realized that now as I'm writing this post. It's strange how it is usually the week leading up to a milestone, anniversary or holiday that is the most difficult time. This last week or so has been just that.The girls and I have been sick (just colds). Mine left me feeling drained physically and mentally.I was pretty emotional much of last week and have felt like the thin layer of dust that was starting to cover over my grief was suddenly kicked up and blown in my face. Grief is an ugly thing...mine feels unrelenting. I feel like I've stepped back by a few months in my progress. By Tuesday of last week I was in tears telling a friend that I was feeling so tired...so overwhelmed...so alone. I miss Corey. I miss having my soul mate. I miss having my best friend who I can talk with and live life with every day. I miss having someone I can talk to about whatever and whenever without feeling needy. I know I have friends and family (who are hugely supportive) that I can just pick up the phone and talk with, but there's an awkward feeling that goes with that. I can't quite explain it. If you're married you probably understand what I mean. I miss having someone who's always on my side, even if I'm wrong and even if we don't agree...Corey was always "on my side." I guess it is a level of intimacy that just can't be equaled in any other earthly relationship.
     I started a grief support group about a month back. We meet weekly. All of us have lost someone to suicide. I've never been in a support group before. I like going. It's 2 hours each week when I don't have to feel so alone in my grief. I can talk about it without it feeling "out of place." Now that it's been 8 months I feel like it's out of place to talk about it in everyday conversation (guess that's why I blog) unless I'm asked a direct question about it (and I don't ever mind questions or conversations about Corey- Saying his name actually brings me some relief from my grief). I can't say that anyone really makes me feel that way, but...life goes on right? Unfortunately the pain is still very much present. I worry about hitting the one year mark. People talk about it like it's a magic moment in time when mourning stops or at least eases up perhaps and you're "normal" again...whatever that is ;) When will I have to stop calling Corey my husband? What if I don't want to? I still haven't been able to change my Facebook status from married to widowed. Have I mentioned I'm not crazy about Facebook?  ;)
     One of the "homework" assignments for my grief group is to write a letter to grief. I haven't been good about doing my "homework." Those written pieces can be painful to complete! The only thing I could think to tell grief was, "I want a vacation! Go away."  Last Friday the kids went over to a friend's house for their first sleepover! There's a milestone for you! Abigail was especially excited for this rite of passage into big-girlhood. Sarah had offered up the idea because I was fried and really needed some time to myself. So I had the evening all to myself- here was my break - and I didn't have a clue what to do with myself. I was really too exhausted to do much of anything. I thought about doing some reading but the books I've been reading are pretty much all about grief and the like. Then I thought about doing some of my "homework" since I had the time without distractions. I had this annoying realization that I just can't escape my grief. My loss is part of my life and it's not going anywhere...it's not something I can just wish to go away. Yes, I can do my best to heal from it and keep living life but ignoring it isn't going to change it. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a day off...to be able to go through a day without any reminders of my loss. Today was a better day; however, as evening set in I was back to feeling tired and tearful...hence this blog entry is a bit melancholy.
     I wanted to add a new song called Someday. (once again, it's not on playlist.com...urrrr) Here's a link to a music video with the song on youtube:  Be sure to pause my music player at the bottom of the page first.

The song is off of a Nichole Nordeman album called Brave. There are several songs on it that really resonated with me in the first few weeks and months after Corey's death. Corey and I got to see Nichole in concert years back when she actually came and performed at our church (it wasn't our church way back then). It's appropriate the title of the album is Brave since this transition in my life has taken a lot of God-given courage. It's also a good thing we don't have cassette tapes anymore or I would have worn this one out.
Here are the lyrics:
I believe in the rest of the story
I believe there's still ink in the pen
I have wasted my very last day
Trying to change what happened way back when
I believe it's the human condition
We all need to have answers to why
More than ever, I'm ready to say that I
Will still sleep peacefully
With answers out of reach from me until…
Someday all that's crazy
All that's unexplained
Will fall into place
And someday all that's hazy
Through a clouded glass
Will be clear at last
And sometimes we're just waiting
For someday
We are born with a lingering hunger
We are born to be unsatisfied
We are strangers who can't help but wander
And dream about the other side of…
Every puzzle's missing piece
Every unsolved mystery
More than half of every whole
Rests in the Hands that hold you for someday…. 
     Now to end on a brighter note...Abi and Ali are one of my greatest joys and I dare think how lonely life would really be without them. I have to share a few stories that put a smile on my face over the last couple of days. Yesterday Abi came home from school telling me how one of the boys in her class shared for show-n-tell that he climbs walls in his house. She explained this to me in response to my question, "Abi, what are you doing with all that tape?" She was sitting on my bed rolling small pieces of scotch tape to apply to each of her fingers and toes. She said this was going to help her climb the walls :) The tape was her idea however, as she explained that her classmate hadn't done it this way but she thought it would help her. Abi made sure I took a picture of her successful debut as Spider-woman.  She didn't really climb the walls but the door frame...still pretty cool to a 6 year old. I love this picture because you can see Ali in the background to the right and Bella to the left (sitting calmly- like this is nothing out of the ordinary in the goings on of our home) - My 3 favorite girls :)


      So this evening Abi and Ali are playing on the carpet after dinner and Abi says to me, "Mom, do you cook with love?"  I assured Abi that I do cook with love because I really don't like to cook and if I didn't love her I probably wouldn't cook.  In response she says, "Next time try to cook without love - I want to see how it turns out." Oh honey, no you don't! Where do kids come up with this stuff?? We finished praying at bedtime tonight and she wants to tell me about a song she is learning to sing for a school concert next week. She commences to sing, "We're big bad squirrels..." The words she could remember were quite something. I can't wait to watch her and her classmates sing it up on stage so I can hear all the lyrics! I'll be sure to videotape it so you all can hear it too. Ali sat there listening to her sister singing and said, "Singing makes me dizzy and I'm dizzy right now." (even though she wasn't singing) :)) I love those girls! Well, I best get off the computer...I keep hearing Allison wake up crying. I already went in once to check on her and she was stuffing her blanket in her ear and told me it is hurting...off to get the ibuprofen...looks like we might have an ear infection on our hands...never a dull moment...