I started a grief support group about a month back. We meet weekly. All of us have lost someone to suicide. I've never been in a support group before. I like going. It's 2 hours each week when I don't have to feel so alone in my grief. I can talk about it without it feeling "out of place." Now that it's been 8 months I feel like it's out of place to talk about it in everyday conversation (guess that's why I blog) unless I'm asked a direct question about it (and I don't ever mind questions or conversations about Corey- Saying his name actually brings me some relief from my grief). I can't say that anyone really makes me feel that way, but...life goes on right? Unfortunately the pain is still very much present. I worry about hitting the one year mark. People talk about it like it's a magic moment in time when mourning stops or at least eases up perhaps and you're "normal" again...whatever that is ;) When will I have to stop calling Corey my husband? What if I don't want to? I still haven't been able to change my Facebook status from married to widowed. Have I mentioned I'm not crazy about Facebook? ;)
One of the "homework" assignments for my grief group is to write a letter to grief. I haven't been good about doing my "homework." Those written pieces can be painful to complete! The only thing I could think to tell grief was, "I want a vacation! Go away." Last Friday the kids went over to a friend's house for their first sleepover! There's a milestone for you! Abigail was especially excited for this rite of passage into big-girlhood. Sarah had offered up the idea because I was fried and really needed some time to myself. So I had the evening all to myself- here was my break - and I didn't have a clue what to do with myself. I was really too exhausted to do much of anything. I thought about doing some reading but the books I've been reading are pretty much all about grief and the like. Then I thought about doing some of my "homework" since I had the time without distractions. I had this annoying realization that I just can't escape my grief. My loss is part of my life and it's not going anywhere...it's not something I can just wish to go away. Yes, I can do my best to heal from it and keep living life but ignoring it isn't going to change it. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a day off...to be able to go through a day without any reminders of my loss. Today was a better day; however, as evening set in I was back to feeling tired and tearful...hence this blog entry is a bit melancholy.
I wanted to add a new song called Someday. (once again, it's not on playlist.com...urrrr) Here's a link to a music video with the song on youtube: Be sure to pause my music player at the bottom of the page first.
The song is off of a Nichole Nordeman album called Brave. There are several songs on it that really resonated with me in the first few weeks and months after Corey's death. Corey and I got to see Nichole in concert years back when she actually came and performed at our church (it wasn't our church way back then). It's appropriate the title of the album is Brave since this transition in my life has taken a lot of God-given courage. It's also a good thing we don't have cassette tapes anymore or I would have worn this one out.
Here are the lyrics:
I believe there's still ink in the pen
So this evening Abi and Ali are playing on the carpet after dinner and Abi says to me, "Mom, do you cook with love?" I assured Abi that I do cook with love because I really don't like to cook and if I didn't love her I probably wouldn't cook. In response she says, "Next time try to cook without love - I want to see how it turns out." Oh honey, no you don't! Where do kids come up with this stuff?? We finished praying at bedtime tonight and she wants to tell me about a song she is learning to sing for a school concert next week. She commences to sing, "We're big bad squirrels..." The words she could remember were quite something. I can't wait to watch her and her classmates sing it up on stage so I can hear all the lyrics! I'll be sure to videotape it so you all can hear it too. Ali sat there listening to her sister singing and said, "Singing makes me dizzy and I'm dizzy right now." (even though she wasn't singing) :)) I love those girls! Well, I best get off the computer...I keep hearing Allison wake up crying. I already went in once to check on her and she was stuffing her blanket in her ear and told me it is hurting...off to get the ibuprofen...looks like we might have an ear infection on our hands...never a dull moment...