A condo in Florida...never!

Today was a tough day...This post is probably going to be a bit scattered...bear with me. I've been pretty emotional the last couple of days. It all started when I cleaned out Corey's clothes from our closet on Saturday. That was tough. Despite not ever wanting to have to do it, I felt like it was time...I am really trying to get a handle on our home (organizing and cleaning out clutter) and man he had a lot of clothes...they were taking up most of our closet. But not to worry, I won't be getting rid of them any time soon...that will likely take me another 5+ months.
     So back to today...I'm exhausted. It's almost 9:30 pm. I finally got my shower in for the day and I'm sitting in bed eating my dinner as I type this (one of my home delivered meals...thanks to my new best friend :)) see my last post if you're confused). The snow storm today brought repeated reminders that I am a widow and single mom. I was about to write that it brought repeated reminders that I am alone now, but with all the people blessing me with their help, it would be an insult to them and to God to say that. I sure have been missing Corey a lot though! It's a lot harder to have to depend on a number of people for things rather than just one person, your husband...
     No school today because of the storm. I drove to the cemetery this morning (in blizzard-like conditions) to try to take the decoration on Corey's gravestone in from the weather before the sleet that we were expecting hit later in the day. I got all the way there only to discover that the road leading to his grave had not been plowed. Big bummer. There wasn't enough room to pull off on the side of the road and hike in and I had the girls in the car and it wouldn't have been safe to leave them on the side of the road with the road conditions being what they were. So, we headed back toward home.
     I made my first big "guy" purchase last week...a generator to keep the house running in the event of a power outage. We had considered buying one last winter after some real doozy power outages, but winter came and went and we just never did it. Corey would have been so psyched to have been here when it got delivered yesterday.  A big 18-wheeler showed up on our road.  It couldn't come up our driveway of course. Hmmm, how was I going to get the 200+ pound box up to the house? I know how Corey would have handled the situation.  He would have driven his tractor down and put it right into the bucket loader, after which he would have raised the bucket up as high as it could go before driving it up to the house ;) That's how I would have liked it to go, but in his absence, the delivery guy and I put our heads together and came up with a plan. I drove the Subaru (station wagon) down, backed it up to the back of the truck and the driver lowered the gate lift so he was able to slide it directly into the back of my car. Back up the driveway I went. Now all I had to do was figure out how I was going to get it out of the Subaru and where it needed to go. Lately it has seemed like every time I get over one hurdle another obstacle lies in my way...obstacles that Corey normally would handle with ease. Boy do I miss how good he was at figuring things out and problem solving ways to handle sticky situations. Things that were no big deal for him feel like such foreign territory to me. I thought motherhood was supposed to make me more intelligent? Certainly not in the area of mechanics...what I could really use to do is grow some extra muscles ;)
      Next I had to figure out where the best place was to put the generator. Corey had actually already done most of the wiring for it with the help of our neighbor, Mark, who happens to be an electrician. Mark is such a good neighbor and friend (as is his wife Sue who is equally kindhearted). Corey really liked working with Mark on projects and they would often help each other out when one of them needed a hand with something. Mark reminds me of Corey in that he is just such a good and nice guy.  More about Mark in a minute...
     (Big sigh) I told you this was going to be scattered...My friend Sarah's husband Bob came over last night and unloaded the generator for me...check! Marked that off my list...Thanks Bob :) Now I needed to deal with getting the wheels on it and locking it up, per Mark's suggestion. Next up, purchase a good lock. I called Mark to get the proper lock specifications as I drove to Home Depot. What kind of lock would I need to get that someone couldn't cut through? Corey would know, but I sure as heck didn't. I would rather have been shopping for a new pair of shoes, but I found the right thing and headed home to look for Corey's heavy-grade chain that I knew I had seen hanging around somewhere.  I found it without much trouble...check! With the car headlights on I attempted to slide the lock through one of the chain links...it was a good sized chain with big links, but....not quite big enough for the lock to fit through by probably not even a millimeter! Now what?
     I called Mark today to ask him for recommendations on dealing with the lock/chain issue. He said he was willing to drill out the links a bit to accommodate the lock. He came over late this afternoon. By that time I had managed to get one of our cars stuck in the driveway in the deep snow. I added getting it unstuck to my to do list and Mark agreed to help me with that too. I told him (jokingly of course) that I was thinking about moving into a condo in Florida. Mark got the wheels on the generator for me. I was going to have to go out in the blizzard to get gasoline so we could get it started but he bailed me out again with some gas he had on hand. The wiring we thought was complete to the electric panel wasn't, so Mark, within minutes, finished connecting the loose wires and had it ready to go...did I mention how great it is having an electrician as a friend and neighbor?
    So, what's my point in sharing all my winter woes? and would I really want to move into a condo in Florida?  Sometimes for a fleeting minute I think it sounds nice. Then I think about all the amazing and supportive people God has surrounded me with here. I don't like the continual reminders that I am "weak" in so many areas. It is hard to have to take help from so many different people and sometimes it takes a lot of coordinating times, dates, and people to get things done. Nagging my husband was much easier...only kidding ;) I hate being an inconvenience to others which fortunately most of the time I think is only my perception (I really hope this is the case).
     As I was shoveling my steps off last night with Mark working in my basement at the electrical panel, I stood stewing at God..."I wish I didn't have to need so much help God!" and then God reminded me that if I could handle it all myself I wouldn't need Him. I know that ultimately my provision comes from God. Those around me offering their help are being his hands and feet again and again and I am humbled in the process.  As I type this now God has brought to my mind the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It's quite a "coincidence" that after my conversation with God last night on the steps that he would lead me this morning (I'm wrapping this post up the next day) to another passage in 2 Corinthians 1:9 - the apostle Paul is speaking to the church in Corinth about the hardships he had to endure during his time spent visiting the province of Asia. He says in verse 9, "Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."  Mind you now, I was supposed to be doing my daily reading in the book of Ephesians today but in trying to flip there I landed on this particular page and the topical heading (in my devotional Bible) read, "Our Comforting God" which caught my attention. I could use a little comfort today was my thought. I started reading the editors introductory notes (for these passages in 2 Corinthians chapter 1) which read:  "God makes himself known in powerful comfort. We discover that one of the supreme greatnesses of Christianity is that it does not seek a supernatural escape from the difficulties of life. Instead it offers a supernatural use for them. Troubles become triumphs as God makes himself known in our weakness."
     I am so grateful to God and to my supportive friends and family who are turning my troubles into triumphs daily! That certainly doesn't mean it's all easy breezy. Like I said, I'm exhausted...but where would I be without all the help that I am receiving? I think I'd be so weighted down with life's troubles that I wouldn't have the physical or mental energy to do much of anything!  Thank you to those who pray for me and the girls!! Thank you to those who plow and shovel us out in snow storms. Thank you to my church family who has supported me in more tangible ways than I could list. Thank you to my girlfriends who come faithfully each week to give me a break from the bedtime routine and for keeping me on top of my laundry and housework. Thank you to my family who is willing to drive from VT to spend time with us here in NH. That wouldn't be possible if I lived in Florida ;) Most of all, thank you to my great God who's grace is enough!