I haven't been writing as frequently on my blog. I think a big part of the reason why is that I'm tired of feeling like my grief process is going nowhere fast. And also, add to that that I usually cry my way through writing each post. Sometimes it feels helpful to my grief and other times I just don't have the energy for the emotional roller coaster ride. I am finding along this journey through grief that what helped comfort me at one point doesn't necessarily bring me comfort now. I've also found it really fascinating how differently people grieve. What brings comfort to me might totally not help someone else. Grief is just plain weird.
I had mentioned in one of my more recent posts that there were several things that happened back in April that were helping me to shift my focus. April was a hard month but by the beginning of May I was feeling some relief from my grief. I felt like I had made some progress in wrapping up the grief group, making it through Abigail's 7th birthday followed by my birthday and then Easter. Those were some hard weeks with a bunch of "firsts" to get through in a short period of time.
In addition to those milestones on my grief journey I brought closure to the ball field project that I had been pursuing since Corey passed last August. Some of you have asked me where this was at. I haven't posted updates because the process really wasn't moving very fast and not much was really happening over the winter months. If you need a refresher you can check out my original proposal from last October here: J.C. Memorial Ball Field proposal
Here's a quick recap:
The idea to restore the ball field located on the grounds of the Milton Mills Cemetery originated a few days after my husband’s death. The fact that there used to be a field in view of his grave site was one of the factors in my deciding that this was where he should be buried. Corey played softball through the Seacoast Softball League for the past four seasons. When I found out that the team he played for had used this field just a few years prior, I expressed to John Katwick my desire to see the field restored in my husband’s honor so that it could once again be used.
Following the first meeting with the cemetery board in October there were 2 more meetings held by the board. Following a meeting in March, the board had still not made a decision. The main issue holding the process up was a conflict over naming rights. For a variety of reasons, I felt strongly about not moving forward with the project if the field could not bear Corey's name. I reiterated my position at the meeting in March and was told the board would be taking a vote at the end of April. In the weeks between the meeting in March and the upcoming meeting in April I was pretty stressed out about the whole thing. Thoughts about having to raise all the funds to cover the materials, figuring out a water source for growing the grass, long term upkeep of the field, and liability issues all had my head spinning. I actually started to find myself hoping the board didn't approve my proposal...that was what made me realize this just wasn't the right thing, at least not right now. Each step of the way things just didn't seem to be coming together...after 3 board meetings I still couldn't even get a yes to move forward. It was a bit frustrating. So, a few days before the board's next meeting I let John know I was withdrawing my proposal and boy did that feel good! I felt such relief having made the decision. Once I let go of the project I couldn't help but feel like it had been holding me back in the place I was last September when I first tried to get things moving with the field. I was able to think about all the other things I was going to be able to focus more attention on...my kids, our house remodel project (finishing our upstairs), summer vacation...So, I was kind of on a high after making yet another hard decision. I only wish my "high" could have lasted longer than a week or two. Good grief!!
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